I'm frustrated. I'm frustrated about a lot of things. I was hoping to have my tax return to start on the auditions but that doesn't seem to be going as planned. I'm gonna say this much, if I don't have the auditions at least set by the end of the month, I'm gonna just abandon this film. It obviously wasn't meant to be. Other things in my life have been bothering me too but I'm kinda throwing it all in the backseat and not really wanting to deal with any of it. This film is all I seem to think about anymore and it's driving me crazy that I can't do anything at this point in time.
I need a dolly and my actors before I can begin shooting. Everything else has been done, it's just getting the actors that's really annoying me. Actually, I need to secure two locations. However, I need my actors and their schedules before I can do something like that, otherwise I'll look like a total tool going in and asking without a set date. Hell, I feel like a tool for even registering this domain. I feel like the past couple weeks haven't really had ANY updates. Look, truth is some shit came up and I had to pay some bills. I was unemployed for a while (I'm working again) and didn't have the money they wanted so my production money had to go.
Yes, I am frustrated as hell right now. I am probably taking it out on people close to me but nobody is telling me if I am or if I'm not so I can't be sure. I feel a complete lack of drive and motivation. I have noticed that I've been cursing a lot more (I usually don't curse). I just feel like everything is beating me down. I know I need to just reach up and punch it in the face and keep fighting but for fuck sake it feels really difficult right now. I don't feel like anyone is cheering me on.
My mom is more concerned about bragging to everyone after this is done. Marco is more concerned about the finished product. My dad makes me feel like I'm still living a pipe dream. The only person left that knows is the aforementioned girlfriend (truth is I don't know what's going on right now). When she's there she makes me feel like I can take on the world and tell everyone to suck my dick as I rise to the top. She reminds me of how awesome I feel I am in my mind. However, she's been busy lately and I don't want to stress her out with my problems.
She's an amazing friend and an amazing person. Remember how that stupid book says you need someone to support you in this? That's her. She's there for me like no one else. She at least gives a shit about what I have to say, unlike so many other people I know. She can be frustrating at times but, luckily, her frustrating times do not conflict with my freaking out about my movie times. She's a cool chick and can be so supportive, I only wish I could return the favor. However, I must state that she's trying to get her own life together so can't be there all the time, but she does try.
Sorry, got a bit sentimental there for a moment. I really don't know what next week's post will be about. I'm not sure if next week's post will have a different ending. I'm not sure if there will even be a post next week. I'm not too sure about anything. Well, there is one thing I'm sure of:
I'm Still In.