Remember in the first post how I said I was going to be honest about things? Yeah, this is one of those honesty posts. I was reading a book called Naked Filmmaking and it mentions that you need someone to be there for you during all of this (pre, prod, post). Well, I say (women and children, please leave the room) that is a fucking shit load of mother fucking bull shit! (okay, women and children come back in please) I don't really feel like I have anyone. Granted, yes, I'm spiritual and believe I have God but sometimes I just need to freak out and talk to someone about the stresses I'm feeling. My girlfriend has her own shit she's going through, so I don't really talk about it with her and weigh her down (though when I do, she's amazing to talk to). My buddy, Marco, has been AWOL lately because...he's watching fucking Cardcaptor Sakura.
There's not even anything I should be freaking out about. The pre-production process is going pretty well. I need to rent some space for my actors to audition and put a couple ads out there but acquiring props has been a breeze. I still need to secure a couple locations but everything is going really well. I guess I'm more frustrated about feeling alone in this. I'm upset that my friends aren't really there to talk me down or tell me that I don't need to be afraid of doing this. Yes, I'm afraid.
I've made tons of things before but that was with friends or my daughter. I had that feeling of "It's okay, if I fuck up." This, however, is different. I want to enter it into a few short film competitions. I need to reacquire the "it's okay to fuck up" attitude and not worry about it. Hell, Robert Rodriguez figured he would just sell El Mariachi to the Mexican video market. I guess, I'm worried that I'll be a shitty director. Then again, Harmony Korine sucks shit through a straw and he still makes movies...somehow.
For all the people directed here by google for looking up "Harmony Korine sucks shit through a straw", I'd like to welcome you to decadesapartfilms.com. I make movies and this is my production journal for my movie making fiascoes.
Anyway, I just need to keep my morale up and I may need to do it alone. I guess this post is more for all the kids that want to make movies (and the ones who believe Harmony Korine sucks shit through a straw) but are afraid, don't really have anyone there for them, are fighting this war alone. This post is for all those kids. Hell, it's more for me. I needed to write all this stuff down so I can come back to it and remind myself that I can do this. I'll probably look back on this post in about a month and laugh. Hell, I don't even think it's been a month since I started on this film and I'm almost finished with pre-production. I still need my actors but I've kicked a ton of ass in every other regard.
In closing, I just want to encourage all the other filmmakers out there. For the most part, I did this alone. Granted, that dude running a red light helped (maybe I should thank him in the credits) but I've pretty much been alone in this endeavor. Sorry, my parents helped by saying "Hey, here's the insurance money" since the insurance policy is in their name so they got the money. Hell, they didn't have to do that. They could have just said "no bitch, you're getting a new car". I am thanking them in the credits.
This post was mainly to keep up my own morale, to convince me that my friend isn't a douche bag because he'd rather watch anime, to remind me that the only reason I'm where I'm at now is because of my parents. So yeah, if you're one of those kids that only wants to make movies despite how hard it is, how nerve wrecking it can be, how it can make you lose everything, you know all these things and you still want to do it; I want you to know, that I've been there (hypothetical future reader). You just need to keep fighting. To all the people that read this every week I want all of you to know:
I'm Still In. (That was pretty cool. I like that poker reference. Yeah, I'm closing out every post like that from now on.)