The Pack

I was going through my stash of books that I no long wish to possess and found a copy of The Pack. Oh yeah, The Pack is a book that I had written a review for on Goodreads and just wasn't accepted for some reason.

I picked up this book because I think Paperback from Hell is a wonderful idea and absolutely adore their mission to re-release trashy novels with the original painted cover that signified a trash novel. I miss those days. I chose The Pack because I was expecting a book about werewolves. Nah, that would have been good.

This book is about an island where people from New York City go to vacation. They pick up a dog from the pound for the weekend and then abandon the dog on the island when they go home. Ah, just when you thought people from NYC couldn't get any more despicable.

Gary (I think that's his name, it's been a while) and his bitchy Madison Avenue wife go to the island during the winter to visit his parents. His parents are very Ted Kaczynski types: living off the land and just trying to stay from away from the City. Gary has a brother named Randy who is a drunk and likes to bang strippers. Randy is also an outdoorsman and this is the basis for a rift between Gary and Randy (Gary is more an indoors bookworm type).

Gary and his family go to visit his parents and Gary spends the whole time trying to convince them to come live with him in the City. His parents decline even though industry on the island is dying. Then the dogs arrive. Remember how I said people from the City abandon dogs on this island? Yeah, well there is a whole pack of them. They're scavenging the island for food but pretty much keeping to themselves.

Gary, trying to impress his father with his outdoorsmanship, decides to blow the head off one of the dogs. Unfortunately for Gary and his family, this dog is the leader's bitch. The dogs proceed to start killing people: Gary's dad, the neighbor, a few other people. There is now a big snowstorm on the island to prevent them from leaving. Gary calls Randy and informs him of the situation. Randy throws the stripper out of his bed and heads for the docks to get to the island.

The whole time all of this is going on, Mrs. Madison Avenue is complaining about everything. She complains about the smells outside, she complains about the dad's dead body, she complains about the dogs howling, she even complains about having to make a sammich.

Gary, you obviously married a bad one.

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Gary tries to escape the house as his mother falls to pieces. He falls on the ground and gets attacked by the dogs but is barely saved by his wife. The whole time this story is unfolding, Randy and his buddy Redneck Steve are driving through the winter wasteland that is New York to get to the island to save these people.

Now, at this point, you may be wondering why I'm giving you a play-by-play of the book as opposed to reviewing it. It is because I am trying to paint a picture for you how stupid this book is.

Gary and Randy's mom basically walks outside and lets the dogs kill her. Ms. Park Avenue ties a tourniquet around Gary's wounds to stop the bleeding and decides that she's going to save the day. She loads everyone up into the car and they drive away.

​The author has spent the whole book shitting on this woman claiming that she has no skills other than knowing how to swipe a credit card. He has made her a whiny idiot throughout. But NOW he's going to make her a hero. Get out of here with that BS.

As for Randy? The book literally closes with him dying in a boating accident trying to get to the island. THE END

Marco asked me if I've checked out the Paperbacks from Hell series and I told him I read The Pack. His question "Oh, is it as bad as the movie?"

Yes, they made a movie based on this book. However, from reading the Wikipedia article, it seems to bare very little resemblance to this book. Especially since there is no Randy character that exists to just fucking die.