Scare Package is Stupid

Not the fun kind of stupid either. You know, where it's camp and fun? It was honestly boring and rather unoriginal. Join us today as I rip this movie a new corn hole and talk about what I liked and didn't like about Scare Package.

I stumbled across Scare Package on Shudder a few weeks ago and figured that I'd give it a shot. I had previously seen Bliss, The Ranger, Tigers are not Afraid, and Summer of '84 on Shudder and thought those were pretty awesome movies. I figured an anthology of horror films would have some good ones and some bad ones, a la Creepshow, Creepshow 2, Trilogy of Terror, and Tales from the Crypt. However, unlike those films, which had one director, this one had seven. So, it's like ABCs of Death? *takes a swig of moonshine* Here we go again.

Cold Open: This one is probably one of my favorites. It's about a guy who lives in a horror film and helps set up traps for a serial killer. He's the reason power goes out in movies, he's the reason the sign to the campsite is switched and now leads to the insane asylum. However, he hates his job and aspires to be more. He tries to help the girls in the house and ends up killing them instead. Then it turns out his name is Michael Myers. It wasn't great, but it at least managed to milk a few laughs out of me.

Horror Hypothesis: This is the overarching story. It takes place in a VHS rental store and the guy who works in the video store REALLY wants to be Joe Bob Briggs. He then gets kidnapped and put into an experiment and it becomes very Cabin in the Woods. However, I liked this more than Cabin in the Woods. It was stupid but it had some good laughs throughout unlike Cabin in the Woods. My favorite joke was about how cars cannot start if the killer is within 10 feet. There was also a detail I noticed where the whiteboard lays out the plot of the film and was a very nice detail. Also, the twists were pretty good. Oh, and Joe Bob Briggs shows up to save the day. Did they steal a screenplay I wrote in high school but just replace Bruce Campbell with Joe Bob?

One Time in the Woods: All of the following short films are random VHS tapes that are played in the store. This one is about a guy who is transforming into a monster but silver stops his transformation. Some campers slap some silver handcuffs on him and he is just a gelatinous blob. The effects were really good and I would have enjoyed this one a lot more if it looked more like it was shot on VHS. It was way too clean and I think making it look like it was shot on video would have really made this one enjoyable.

M.I.S.T.E.R.: "RJ, I thought you said this movie was stupid, you seem to be pretty nice to most of these." Because those ones are decent. If the movie focused on them, I would have loved it and highly recommended it. However, all of the following short films are also in this movie. A bunch of men's rights activists are werewolves. The End. This one was more annoying to me than anything. It seemed to confuse men's rights activists for incels, douchebags, and the...foreskin community? Look, in my online dealings, I encounter people from every background so I kinda understand where each community is coming from. I'm not saying I agree with them but...this just felt confusing. I'm all for satire but this was like mixing stereotypes in a pot. Like if you wanted to depict Asians eating watermelon and being Karens on twitter. They should have just remade that Eric Roberts werewolf movie.

Girls Night Out of Body: This one started off promising. It was very giallo-esque. Then some girls steal a lollipop and change into demons? Um...okay? Oh, it's still a giallo. Nope, the demons kill the killer. Now the demon girls are dancing around the hotel room? Why is this a fakeout giallo? Why is it called Girls Night Out of Body? No one leaves their bodies. When I was reviewing the titles, I thought this was actually the one called So Much to Do because that one at least involves souls and bodies. Nothing scary happens. Nothing funny happens. At least M.I.S.T.E.R. attempted to be funny and the part where the werewolf got shot with the wedding ring accomplished that. This was just boring and confusing.

The Jason One: I'm not going to put the full title because it's really long and it's obviously a parody of Jason. A group of campers tries to kill a serial killer and keeps failing to do so. It was honestly boring and uninspired. Yes, serial killers in movies come back in ridiculous ways, they made this joke in Monster Squad. "He always returns from the grave. If they blew him up, put his head in a blender and mailed the rest of him to Norway, he would still return from the grave!"

That was part 7.

So Much to Do: A secret government organization kills a dude and his ghost possesses a girl. He states that he has so much to do. He then goes home and watches Game of Thrones. The girl gets mad and their souls have a fight in the apartment where she keeps screaming, "no spoilers," like the newspaper kid in Better Off Dead. The end. I didn't watch Game of Thrones, was this a normal occurrence? Being possessed by ghosts who need to watch the latest episode? Why was the lady screaming no spoilers? Was the guy further along than she was? Nothing was really conveyed and I was too confused to find this enjoyable. Maybe if she said something to her friend on the phone like "Girl, I'm only on episode 4." Then we see the dude turn on episode 5. Also, I don't even think she said the name of the show, but I could be wrong.

Would I recommend this movie? Eh, maybe?  The overarching story is really good and the first two short films are really good too. It's kinda like ABCs of Death, you have to wade through a lot of shit in order to find a gem. Actually, you don't have to wade through as much shit as ABCs of Death because one of the gems is the overarching story.