RIP ALEXI LAIHO

​We lost a great guitarist this week. Coincidentally, I recently watched a crappy movie based on the murders that his band was named after. So, consider this as me shilling for dollars.

​​Maybe this is my problem, but I went into this film expecting a cinematic retelling of the Lake Bodom murders. Actually, how is it my fault when the movie states "this is just one of the theories" in the opening crawl? This is not a retelling of the Lake Bodom murders and is actually a slasher film with a nonsensical plot. Don't believe me? I'm gonna spoil this whole movie for you.

I don't remember any of the character names so I'll name them myself: Tattoo Guy, Darkest Hour's John Henry, Slutty Friend, and Christian Girl. Tattoo guy and John Henry want to go camping at Lake Bodom. Something about wanting to reenact the infamous camping trip or something, it's never really explained. They ask Christian Girl and her Slutty Friend to go with them, they agree. Christian Girl had some nudes leak so is super closed off with everyone. She spends her time with John Henry while Tat Man and Slutty Friend go swimming. John Henry and Christian Girl start to get along and then John Henry is murdered by a mysterious person. Tattoo Man, Slutty Friend, and Christian Girl run off into the woods and Slutty Friend trips and falls.

Tattoo Guy and Christian Girl run off together and Tattoo Guy goes "You never had nudes leak. Someone is trying to hurt you with malicious rumors. By the way, I have always loved you. Remember earlier when I ran off with your slutty friend? I don't either."

And Christian Girl is like "LIES! No one would want to hurt me." Then Tattoo Guy gets stabbed by Slutty Friend. What? Slutty Friend is evolving? Slutty Friend evolved into Angry Lesbian! She even comes equipped with a new wardrobe completely different from what we've seen wearing earlier. This plotline seriously comes out of nowhere.

Anyway, the girls planned to kill the guys and dump them in the lake because Christian Girl believes that they leaked the nudes of her.

PLOT TWIST: It was actually a rumor the whole time created by Angry Lesbian. She was angry because Christian Girl was in love with Tattoo Guy. Also, I think they're in High School? I'm not Finnish so maybe they're in college. Why does this man have so many tattoos in High School? Sorry, didn't mean to go off on a tangent. Anyway, the girls are driving home and they meet a spooky man and his dog. This is the Lake Bodom killer. He captures the girls, puts them in the tent with the dead boys, and kills Angry Lesbian.

Then he packs up the Christian Girl in his truck, finds her house, takes her out of the truck, sets her on the porch, rings the doorbell (probably), and runs away. Christian Girl wakes up and everyone believes her to be the killer. The End.

I feel dumber for having explained this movie. The "twists" were super obvious or maybe I just watch too many terrible slasher movies. Either way, if you enjoyed this review, please consider donating to my psychiatrist bills so I can continue torturing myself for your amusement.

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