A Year Gone By

As of 12 o' clock this morning it's been a year since the Aurora theater shooting aka the Dark Knight shooting. I've had a lot of time to think about this post and I decided that for the first time in about a year, I'm really going to spill my guts out here on the internet. It was a fucked up thing that happened. I know that much. Personally, I like to just forget about it and move on. I said in a video that was uploaded that I'd vote for Governor Hickenlooper because of his support for the film industry, but I found out the cheap fuck pocketed the money for the victims and their families. For that, he can suck a fuck and not get this filmmaker's vote. Sorry, that has been building inside of me a few weeks now since I found this out. No, fuck apologies this post. I'm gonna say whatever the fuck I want because that's the kind of personal post this is. Yes, I'm a filmmaker and I am proud of that but I'm also a survivor, a survivor of something that almost made me give up being a filmmaker because it was so fucked up.

A lot of my friends clung to their religion and each other, I pulled myself away because I didn't feel any of those people were there for me, not in the slightest. They seemed to be there for each other and I didn't feel I was a part of that group. How did I cope with it? I went and bought the Friday the 13th collection and watched all ten films for the first time ever. THAT is seriously how I coped with the situation. I've had some people say that's a weird way to cope with something like that. Why? Who are you to say how I can and can't cope with death? It's just how I coped.

As much as I don't want to admit it, that situation changed me as a filmmaker. I still want to make people die in movies because they're movies, but it did change me somehow, I'm just not sure how yet. I know for a fact that Through the Devil's Eyes would not exist if not for that situation. I wrote the screenplay during my time of grief and it was my way of dealing with what I was going through.

People have asked me why I thought about giving up filmmaking and I can't really say why. It was just a sickness I felt. I wanted to torture James Holmes I Saw the Devil style (PS if you haven't seen I Saw the Devil, it is an AMAZING Korean movie and I suggest everyone check it out right now!) and wanted to give up filmmaking just so I could do that. No, I didn't lose anyone or know anyone who was hurt or injured but it's still a fucked up thing to walk out a movie theater, confused as fuck, and see a guy with blood all over his shirt.

I would sigh at this point but it's a text post so just assume I let out a long sigh. I suppose I better talk about my situation. A lot of people blogged about theirs when it initially happened but I claim they were just seeking their 15 minutes of fame. Personally, I believe filmmakers are immortal so I've got an entire afterlife to be famous, ha ha. So I just did a video post at the time talking about what I was feeling, this time I'm going to talk about my incident.

I was sitting there in theater 8 with a bunch of people from church watching The Dark Knight Rises. I was excited for it mainly because I felt The Avengers was a total let down. We were watching the film and it was at the part with Anne Hathaway in the bar talking to some guys when gunfire opened up onscreen. I heard a loud popping sound to my right followed by smoke floating up. I figured some dumb ass had decided to light off fire crackers or something. I sighed and tried to go back watching the movie. These two girls were running down the stairs to my left and one of them was on a cell phone. Some guy jumped from the balcony and ran for the emergency exit. I heard him scream "Don't go out there, someone's shooting!" See, I live in Aurora and most everyone knows that there is gang activity in Aurora (or maybe that's just what rich white folks want me to believe). I just figured it was some gang war going on outside and tried to go on watching the movie. That's when the fire alarms went off and we all got up to go outside. I recall my eyes burning like a mother fucker as we walked out into the hall. As we got outside I saw a guy bleeding and couldn't find my group so I just wandered through the parking lot. Here's how I literally felt. Have you ever gotten drunk before? I mean fucking shit faced drunk that you have no idea what the fuck is going on? Okay, have you ever been high when you did that? Back in high school I did that once and that's kinda what it felt like. I didn't know if there was a gang war going on or if I might get shot walking through the parking lot. All I really knew was that the dude by the entrance was fucking bleeding and it looked sure as shit he had a bullet hole in his arm.

Okay, before I go on I want to say something very, very serious. You know all that bullshit about video games and movies are desensitizing our youth? Yeah, that is a pile of fucking bullshit! I've been watching violent as shit movies and playing even more violent video games throughout my life. Let me tell you something, NOTHING and I repeat NOTHING can prepare you for that. So if you want to go on with your violent games and movies are bad bull shit, go ahead but I'm speaking from mother fucking experience and you can eat shit out of my dog's ass, fucker!

Sorry, I'm not one for stating my personal views but it's something I have heavily begun defending. Anyway, I watched as the ambulance pulled up behind me and a bunch of people carried a guy screaming bloody murder over to the vehicle. They dropped him on his head, just trying to carry him. It's amazing, the shit that we laugh at but when it's in a crisis situation, it's not funny. I tried calling my friends or even my parents to let them know. The incident hadn't even been on the news yet and I wanted to let everyone I know, know that I was okay. I remember seeing a lot of blood and hearing a lot of people crying and screaming. I was catatonic. I didn't really talk or have much to say. I tried joking with people from my group just to relieve the tension but failed miserably. I drove one of the group members home because if you were parked within a certain vicinity you couldn't leave in your car. I had luckily parked over by the Aurora Mall so was allowed to take my car. As soon as I stopped at his house, I started crying. He seemed really uncomfortable. I drove home and told my parents I was home. They asked how the movie was and I broke down in the hallway and told them what happened. I didn't sleep or eat that entire day. I managed to eat some pizza my parents picked up that night and ended up falling asleep after taking a couple melatonin.

I took that picture and posted it on my twitter for about an hour before I took it down because I felt it was just a cry for attention. I still feel that way about the incident but since I still live in Aurora, everything is trying to remember the fact this horrible thing happened. I just feel it's my time to share my side of the story and pretty much say it's something I try really hard not to dwell on. It was a lot easier typing all of this because I could glance over certain points that my brain has locked off from me. Do you know what Oh Dae-su means? It means getting by one day at a time (or at least according to Oldboy). That's all I'm seeking to do. Get by one day at a time. I do my best not to dwell on the incident and if I talk about it (talk talk, not use typed words) I realize that I just kind of stop talking and reflect on the situation.

Well, there's my post reflecting on my experience. My heart goes out to all the families that lost someone and to all the people that didn't get out unscathed. Since Through the Devil's Eyes was my way to cope, maybe it might help other people too. Then again, maybe I'm just weird.