Well, I got a job today, a normal every day job. Please do not congratulate me. I really wanted to run my own business and do my own thing, unfortunately, it didn't work out. I feel like I've failed. On top of this, I don't feel like finishing Keeping Justice. I'll finish it, of course, I just don't think I'll ever enjoy it.
Let's go back a few weeks. I started working with this guy who was going to help me get business going. I met with the guy and he had several good suggestions I tried to put into practice but nothing seemed to work out. He suggested I contact a local newspaper and a local radio station to promote Keeping Justice, I was game. I reached out to both sources and the newspaper is only interested once the movie comes out (which I'm not even sure when that's going to be right now since the animation has been delayed) and the radio says "sure, give us a copy of the movie." So I did.
The radio station watches the film and says they don't like it and besides that, they don't talk to filmmakers anyway. Then they ask to see the film when the music and animation sequence are finished. No. That is not how this works. You said you don't like it, nothing is going to change that. See, I thought Keeping Justice was really good, I think that's why I'm hurt.
I'm not hurt though. I just feel tired of jumping through hoops with these "industry people". I already know my films won't appeal to them because we make B-movies. I'm tired of telling people that I'm a filmmaker and that our films are listed on Amazon and I'm still not taken seriously. I'm tired of feeling that not even my family really gives a shit as to what I'm doing. I know it's me against the world but I thought that at some point I would have allies.
Maybe I would have allies if this wasn't the path I chose. If I actually picked something normal to do with my life. I have sacrificed so much on the altar of film, yet I feel I have nothing to show for it. I'm an outsider living in a world of insiders. I'm a nobody fighting like hell to be a somebody. I gambled on so much and I've only lost a lot.
That might be why I'm so attracted to Metal. It's the genre that feels like no matter who you are, you have a place where you belong. I get along with dudes in bands way more than film industry people. You know how watching interviews with Spielberg you get the feeling he's a douche bag? Now imagine a bunch of dudes like that and you get an average film set. I don't feel like I belong in their world.
I don't know what I'm talking about anymore. I feel I'm just saying stupid stuff. I don't think I'm going to give up. I know that film is a pain in the ass but it's still something I love, I just need to get away from the people that make me hate it.