I'm going thorough some shit right now. More emotionally than anything. I miss Lizzy, a whole hell of a lot. I haven't really talked about it on here but I figure this blog is an exploration with my personal life as much as it is my filmmaking life because I realized they are both one in the same. I can't separate these two lives just like writers use their lives as inspiration of their personal life within their writings (some a bit less subtle than others, *cough* Stephen King *cough*). The truth of the matter is Lizzy is a huge part of my filmmaking life just like she's a huge part of my personal life. I've thanked her in the credits for Invisible Diary and named a character in Through the Devil's Eyes after her. She's an amazing friend and with her in Mexico (a shitty place to be) I'm worried about her as much as I'm worried about putting this next film together. I've already started piecing the film together but a piece of me is worried that it won't come together. Yes, I know I had the same issue with Invisible Diary but I can't fight this feeling.
I said last post that I think this whole experience is gonna help me grow and I stick by that. It's just difficult to feel these feelings at the same time. It's kind of depressing to be quite honest. A lot of guys reading this are probably like "Eh, it's a girl there's thousands like them. You must not love film if you can't just get over it." And in most cases I would agree 100%. The thing is, Lizzy is my best friend in the whole wide world. That's the difference. A lot of filmmakers admit that their best friend was the most supportive of them. Sam Raimi had Bruce Campbell. John Carpenter had Debra Hill. Robert Rodriguez had Elizabeth Avellan and Carlos Gallardo. I hate to admit that book was right, mainly because it suggests racking up as much debt as physically possible to make a film that no one will notice and then pay off those debts. I'm sorry, I refuse to be so stupid about making a movie. I want Netflix to send my movie out to people, I want people to show the movie to their friends, I want people to ask themselves "Who the fuck is this guy and where the fuck did he come from?" I want people to want to see more of my films. I don't want to hide away behind a book and tell people "To learn more about this filmmaking style, go buy my movies for $20 on Amazon."
Maybe it's more than a coincidence I discovered a Finnish band called Poets of the Fall before I started Invisible Diary. A band that, while extremely talented, were on their last legs when they released their first album. They then skyrocketed to popularity in Finland and Germany and India and everywhere else that isn't the US. Being one of the few Poets of the Fall fans in the US is not fun when you think about talking to people about music. However, their albums inspire me every time I listen to them and I realize why I'm so crazy about this band.
Maybe even though I don't have the Debra Hill to my John Carpenter, I need to remember that John Carpenter doesn't have his either but he's still fighting. The Ward wasn't great but it was a good return for a man whose last feature was Ghosts of Mars. My point is he still continues to trudge on, even if no one believes in him (I still believe in you, JC!). Maybe that's the point of this post overall. Even though my best friend is gone from my life, I'll still continue to fight through and prevail. Not so much for when my best friend comes back that she'll be proud of me but more so that I can have something better for myself. I want to be happy with my films. Yes, I'll constantly strive for something more from them but I want to be happy with them. Maybe, I'm supposed to teach myself to rely more upon myself than anyone else. I need to believe in myself even if I make dozens of kick ass films but people tend to only recognize me for one. Maybe that's what I'm supposed to be learning. Well, I'm still gonna fight, even with my friend gone, this war will never end until I'm dead and six feet under.