I saw the dumbest movie last night...I'm debating about even dropping a name because I'm not trying to make more enemies than I already have. You know what? I don't care. The movie was Everly starring Selma Hayek. It was a bad movie because of how horribly it was written. It's basically about Selma Hayek spending one night trying to get out of her apartment so she can give her mom and daughter some money or something. We find out that she was kidnapped years ago by some yakuza and is forced to be a hooker. Anyway, enough about the plot now onto the comedic bits.
I knew as soon as Selma Hayek said "Tell [insert cliche Japanese name] to lick my balls," that I was in for a special treat. It was bad, like really bad. There's this part where the daughter grabs a package (which contains a dude's head) and is all like "Christmas!" The daughter sets the package down and her hands are covered in blood and she goes "Ew, it's all wet." Her hands are covered in blood and she acts like it's freaking nothing. The girl is supposed to be five but my daughter was smarter than her when she was three!
Then Selma Hayek comes running out because the dying Japanese dude on the couch calls for her and after Selma takes the package away, the Japanese dude is freaking dead. This is when I lost it. I could not stop laughing about this movie. Selma Hayek gets tortured, I'm laughing my ass off. The little girl hears a woman be murdered while hiding in a closet and comes out only to be followed by a naked man holding a meat cleaver, I can't breathe!
The best part of this movie is where Selma Hayek and her mom are in the bathroom. It was like the screenwriter started with this scene and made the whole movie around it. It was well written and it seemed like a sincere scene. The rest of the movie was just awful.
Why did I even watch this movie? Well it's because I saw a review by a guy named MovieBob and he said the movie was pretty good. I knew I should have been cautious because he also liked Avatar. I don't dislike Avatar because I want to be cool. No, I saw Avatar in the theater because my daughter's mom thought it would be a good idea. I walked out of the theater and she said "That was a good movie, what did you think?" I said, "it was dumb."
I had never seen that episode of South Park until way later and thought it was comical but did not drive home what I thought of the movie. It was an empty movie. It lacked any kind of substance. For an almost three hour long movie, it lacked any sort of real character development. Yeah, I get it government drones turn against the government, The End. A lot of people try to impress me by saying how much they dislike Avatar but own it on DVD. I don't care, like it all you want.
I think Avatar has a lot to do with why I refuse to see Titanic. Everyone says Titanic is Cameron's best film but sorry, he already made his best film and it's called Terminator 2. Just because Titanic won a bunch of awards means that it's his best film. Yeah, you know what How Green Was My Valley beat out for best picture? Citizen freakin' Kane. I don't trust awards.
See, I'm not interested in winning awards. If I win some, great. It doesn't bother me though. I'm simply a filmmaker believing that the ultimate sin is boredom. So many young filmmakers are all about style but some of the best directors out there have said that over-the-top style is a thing only critics look for. Real artists can see the style without needing to look. I'm not trying to be an "artist" I'm just a guy who wants to make some fun movies.
I don't care if the critics hate me for it, I just want to make realistic fun movies. I don't want to have five year olds be dumb as hell because I've had a five year old running around for a full year.
Anyway, this is a really weird way to go about it, but I'm going to make a short. I'm not going to tell you what it's about but I really do hope it's fun.